So, you want to travel the world forever? Think it could be a dream? Can’t be happy at home or concentrate at work because you’re too busy picturing magical places to visit? I can help you! I officially prescribe you with a marathon of these movies and you’ll never, ever want to travel, ever again! You’re welcome.
P.S. Please note that my movie repertoire contains ratings from G through to M. I cannot watch scary movies. Don’t you know me? My middle name is Fear. If you want to go all out you can add some crazy movies to the list like Hostel and Wolf Creek. But for the purposes of today, I’m trying to scare you out of travel, not scare you out of ever leaving the house.
10. The Mummy and The Mummy Returns
You know what happens when you try to find adventure? You awake a thousand year old Mummy and he nearly takes over the Earth. Twice. This one comes last because another thing you could do while travelling is find Brendan Fraser, save him from hanging, and fall in love. This my friends, is a positive.
9. Snakes on a Plane
Thousands of snakes all in a plane with a vicious desire to kill everything that’s human. This movie is so incredibly unrealistic, but is adequate to terrify non-Australians.
8. Speed 2
Go on a nice cruise with your boyfriend. Have the cruise ship hijacked. Watch people die horrible deaths.
Spoiler (from the first 10 minutes): Almost everyone survives, but only because Denzel Washington was driving the plane. What if your pilot wasn’t Denzel Washington? What if it’s just an ordinarily trained, non-risk taking pilot?
6. Into the Wild
Do you know what happens at the end of this movie? I won’t tell you: it will ruin it. What you can rightly assume, since it’s been included on this list, is that it’s not good.
5. Bridget Jones Diary II
After carrying a souvenir for a friend, Bridget goes to a Thai prison. And while it’s movie land and Bridget copes ok in Thai prison, you would not.
After this my friends, you will never cruise again. In addition, you will develop nightmares for years.
3. Life of Pi
And just in case Titanic wasn’t quiet enough to make you fear the sea, it’s time to completely cement that fear. Get on a cruise ship. Loose your family, and one hundred of your pets.
Mainly the first movie, but also all of them. First question, at the end of the movie – why did the daughter go on a date? Why isn’t she permanently scarred and shying away from all human interactions? Second question. After an experience like that, why on earth would you go on holiday to somewhere like Turkey (Taken 2)? Seriously, just stay at home. If France isn’t safe for you, I don’t think anywhere else is.
Do you know the most horrifying part of this movie? It’s not the part where he loses Wilson the ball. It’s the part where he has to cut his own tooth out with an ice skate. And the terrifying thing about this movie as a whole? It wasn’t a thriller or a horror. It wasn’t designed to shock you. It was a drama. It was realistic. It could happen to Tom Hanks. It could happen to you!
Are you cured?!